Supergator

16May09

supergatorLocation: Hawaii. Opening scene: A couple making out by a waterfall and a lake (this exact waterfall and lake have been used in several of these movies). Their fate is obvious.

Then, we meet a group of volcano researchers, here to study some volcano activity in the area. They hang out at the bar and swimming pool for a while, then get ready to head out to take their measurements and collect their data. On the way, they run into Kelly McGills (who, by the way, looks AWFUL) and her pal, whose name I can’t remember, so let’s just call him the grizzled old hunter dude. Kelly and dude are there because there’s an animal on the loose. A prehistoric alligator that was genetically produced in a secret lab somewhere, which of course has escaped. They don’t want anyone to know, they’re just trying to find it and kill it before anyone finds out. Which never works.

Supergator is making his way around the island, picking off swimsuit models, random dudes in Jeeps, teenage boys, and college girls looking for adventure.  Once he runs out of those folks, our volcano experts are next in line to be eaten.

Whoever is left has to rush back to the resort because there’s a BIG LUAU about to start. Predictably, one of them tries to warn the event organizer, who accusers her of being crazy and says there’s no way he’s canceling the BIG LUAU because the tourists would all want their money back, and we all know we just can’t have that. Supergator arrives at the luau and mayhem ensues.

The giant sprays of CGI fake blood are probably the highlight of this movie. It also has really fantastic dialogue, such as, “I’m not high! You’re high!” and “This ain’t my first barbecue”. Also, as an added bonus, almost nobody survives this one.

I’ve seen Supergator 3 times and would happily watch it again. If you’re interested in this genre, it’s a must-see, a classic, a fine, fine piece of low-budget crappy cinema.


The Bone Eater

17Apr09

Y’all think I am making up the title of this movie, but I’m not! This is a real movie! And you won’t even believe the star-studded cast. The guy who played Buck Rogers, the guy who played Greatest American Hero, Bruce Boxlightner, Roark Critchlow (of Komodo v. Cobra fame), and one of the guys from the original Star Trek series, I forget his name, the Russian one.

Anyway. So our cast of characters mainly consists of a big time developer who rides in a limo, a construction crew and foreman, our hero the sheriff, his saucy teenaged daughter, and some Native Americans. The land being developed by Limo Dude is not on the reservation, but the crew keeps finding “relics” out there while they’re working. Apparently, they have disturbed an ancient monster made of bones who dissolves people by either breathing green breath on them or by touching them. Oh, or by throwing bones at them. The land where the development is going on is UNHOLY LAND, according to our Native American wise old dude. The only way to get rid of the monster is to throw the Sacred Bone Ax (FOR REAL) at it, and then it will get swallowed back up by the earth.

Did I mention that the monster thing can make itself a skeleton horse out of dust, and it can jump on the dust-bone-horse to chase cars off cliffs? ‘Cause it totally can.

Here’s the letdown: there is no actual eating of bones in this movie, so there’s a bit of false advertising in the title. Completely forgiven, however, given that the title of the movie is The Bone Eater, which made everyone howl with laughter throughout the viewing.

Best movie line goes to Dr. Greatest American Hero, while examining a guy whose hand is missing after being touched by the aforementioned Bone Eater: “I don’t know, Sheriff, this one’s really got me stumped.” He wasn’t even kidding. Which is why it was the best line in the movie. Please see this the very first chance that you get. boneeater


Ice Spiders

11Feb09

The people visiting this lovely little ski resort in a remote mountain location have no idea what they’re in for. While a cocky ex-national champion famous for an Olympic wipeout coaches married couples and snotty high school kids, there is some nefarious business happening at a nearby research lab. Tinkering around with genetics and metabolism has resulted in the creation of a bunch of mutant spiders, who are not only venomous, colorful and gigantic, but also insatiably hungry. FOR FLESH!! Legs, mostly.

The hottie doctor/scientist lady and the washout ski coach do their best to protect the resort-goers after they lose communication with the outside world and their one forest ranger gets eaten. Of course, there is an evil doctor and a bunch of special forces military dudes, as well as a school bus full of kids.

The spider-CGI was just terrible. But probably not as terrible as the acting. No entrails or decapitations – they try to make up for it with a lot of dismembered limbs, but you know, it’s just not the same.

We laughed and laughed and laughed. I very highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes to cackle uncontrollably at movies that are not really supposed to be funny. icespiders


Carnosaur 2

05Jan09

We had a newbie with us on Tuesday night but were able to reassure her that not having seen Carnosaur I would not interfere with her appreciation for this one.  

So this is a wacky departure, but apparently we have a secret government installation (Yucca Mountain) where something goes terribly awry, somehow allowing nuclear waste to unearth and hatch Velociraptor eggs. Our first encounter with said raptors happens with some security guards who happen upon tangled wires, which looked strikingly like when i take my Christmas lights out of the closet each Christmas. Anyway, we see a lot of them. It makes me wonder exactly why they really don’t seem to have an issue with electricity around there. I wonder if they used the same electrician who wired my house. 

Later, we meet the plucky teen who is bored silly and amuses himself by sneaking around a nuclear waste facility.  Poor kid ends up getting caught and in a bit of clever foreshadowing with a Bobcat (don’t ever touch this lever, kid!), he ends up in a run down version of the Star Wars cantina, which sports a tempermental French chef in full chef attire whose specialty this evening is “toast.” After everyone except the kid is bitchslapped by a raptor, a secret security team is sent in (of course most of them are former special ops) with a mad coverup government dude to find out what happened. We should really find a way to make a drinking game out of guessing when the government dude reveals himself as a bad guy. 

They find the kid and while the token black dude goes to figure out how to stop the nuclear meltdown and the foxy helicopter chick takes “care” of the catatonic kid, the rest of the team goes down below.  Our hero is the drunk special ops guy who lost his kid and immediately projects his emotional baggage onto the new catatonic kid. This results in the kid waking up to help get them out of there so he can run from a life wondering why his new daddy drinks all the time. Hero’s wacky sidekick is the stud of the group, as evidenced by his jerry curl, mom jeans, southwest print sleeveless vest, and apparent love of the Flight of the Valkyrie, which he blasts on his circa 1987 boombox, which compliments his attire nicely. What we thought was our possible love interest, the Matrix style chick with silver duct tape suspenders, ultimately gives us our satisfying entrails ripping out scene.  

I think you know what happens to the token black guy. I don’t know why i build these emotional bonds with them, but i’m always heartbroken to see them end up as a raptor chew toy. 

Escape from Raptor Mountain then ensues, with a rescue squad dressed in orange hazmat suits and the previously foreshadowed Bobcat and the momma raptor. Only it’s not really their mother, because of course, it’s a T. Rex.  Overall, pretty entertaining, especially if your best girlfriends and a couple of bottles of wine are floating around. And it’s nice to see that the Land of the Lost set got to be re-used. I wish one of these  movies would bring back Sleestacks, however.


Savage Planet

20Nov08

savage

Sixty or so years into the future, the earth is to’ up. There’s been a nuclear war, the air is polluted so badly that people need gas masks to go outside, and riots are commonplace. The planet is dying, and the mega-corporations of the world are looking for a way to make things better for humankind while at the same time pocketing kajillions of dollars in profits.

One of these corporations has found, through new teleporting technology, an amazing planet 20,000 light years away. Clean air, clean water, a pristine environment ripe to be colonized and subsequently destroyed by people. So, Mr. Corporate BadGuy sends a team through the ol’ teleportation device to check the place out. Apparently, this is a device that only works if all persons passing through are dressed in khaki from head to toe.

Save The Day Hero is Sean Patrick Flanery, who’s been in about a thousand of these SciFi flicks, and he’s a badass macho security expert. There are technically two foxxy scientist doctor ladies, a biologist and a physician, but only one (the biologist) lives, so I guess she gets the title. The planet is indeed beautiful. It has lots of vegetation, unpolluted air and clean water. Also, it has bears. Yeah, you heard me. Fucking bears. As if the regular kind aren’t horrifyingly vicious enough, these are super giant genetically mutated angry smart homicidal bears. I mean, more homicidal than a bear you’d run into, say, here on Earth. If you can imagine.

There’s betrayal and secrecy, flirting and giggling, hideous CGI, and lots of stock footage of roaring bears spliced in. Token black dude, man, I have to say, I was starting to get attached and think he was going to make it until they threw in a line about him having a wife and kids back at home.

Best part of Savage Planet, other than the killer space bears…not one, not two, but THREE decapitations. Most of these movies you’re lucky to get even one!!! Three is almost unheard of. Nice touch. Watch the movie.


First of all, this movie was made in 1972. We are going to be doing a little more of the “classic” stuff over the coming months, while still throwing in the more recent movies here and there.

Stars Janet Leigh and DeForest Kelley. And a guy who we all just swore was the boat captain in Jaws but I don’t think it really was him. Anyway, you’ve got rabbits taking over this big patch of land out in the midwest somewhere. The rancher doesn’t want to use poison, because he understands the balance, the circle of life, the food chain, all that important stuff. The county sheriff introduces him to a couple of scientists that have an idea. They’ve been experimenting with some kind of hormone that might interrupt the rabbit’s breeding cycle, resulting in less bunnies, less destruction, etc.

Unbeknownst to the adults, cutie pie little blonde-hair-black-eyebrowed girl (Janet Leigh’s kid) accidentally lets one of the experimented-on bunnies out into the regular bunny population. Somehow, in the space of less than a day, this results in a population of thousands of gigantic mutant homicidal bunny rabbits marauding through the town, killing everyone in sight, including all the livestock.

I was disappointed that there was no attempt to create giant bunnies for effect, but after all, it was 1972. So instead, they built teeny little sets for the stampede scenes, and just showed really really close up shots of normal sized rabbits with bloody fangs for the “I’m a killer bunny and I just ate someone” scenes. Best they could do, I guess.

Janet Leigh was so skinny in this movie I wanted somebody to get her a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, stat. But she was still very beautiful. Dr. McCoy just looked like Dr. McCoy, except in a suit instead of a Star Trek outfit. The acting, effects, writing, everything really, was just bad. But still, you know there will never be a giant killer mutant bunny rabbit movie that I would not highly recommend. You can get it on Netflix.


Picture a beautiful day in the park. Blue skies, temperate weather, picnics, children playing everywhere. The children see these curious little twists of wind and start chasing them around. Until the little twists all join together into a GIANT MEGA TORNADO that rips the arm right off the Statue of Liberty.

Our manly save-the-day hero is an ex-firefighter who’s now the deputy mayor, and the foxxy doctor scientist lady is his wife, who works for some kind of fancy meteorology outfit. Apparently, the atmosphere above the city of New York has split into two levels, causing electrified tornados to be spawned all over the place. The tornados themselves were really not all that terrifying, as advertised in the movie title, so it’s a good thing they had the whole electrocution angle going for them to make them a bit more deadly and exciting.

Throughout the action, the mayor is alternately being an ass and trying to help (his sudden attempt at the end of the movie to be a good guy does not keep him from being a tornado victim), and there is a newscaster making sure everyone knows the latest scoop. Even though the whole city’s been advised to not use any electricity. Maybe they all have battery-powered TVs. I don’t know. Oh, and foxxy lady’s niece gets trapped underground with a cute boy after the Statue of Liberty’s arm lands on the manhole they ran down into for safety. I wanted her to get killed the whole time, because she had a scrape on her leg and was whining and bitching all the way through the movie. But she didn’t. Damn it.

The destruction of a well-known monumnet scored points here, because that’s one of my favorite things to see in a natural disaster movie. Also, there was one of those “Oh, did you think this was OVER???” scenes at the end. But overall, it was kind of “eh”. The volcano under NYC movie was much more entertaining. And as one of my fellow movie-watchers complained, there was no real explanation for the sudden atmospheric change, though the global warning thing was implied early on. So, I don’t really recommend this one.




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