Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep
I don’t think we reviewed Beyond Loch Ness, but this movie starts with the same premise: a boy is orphaned when his parents are hauled away by a crazy sea monster, and he grows up to be an adult looking for vengeance. That’s how he gets to be our valiant hero. I can’t remember the character’s name, even though the movie just ended 20 minutes ago, but he looked like Huey Lewis, so we’ll just call him Huey. (Really, he’s Charlie O’Connell, brother of the guy who played the fat kid in Stand By Me and turned out to be a fine looking specimen of manhood when he grew up)
Our foxxy doctor/scientist lady is a college professor out looking for lost treasure at sea with her 2 foxxy intern kids. They’re off the coast of Alaska, but for some reason the ladies are all wearing bikini tops. Huey hooks up with them after their skipper is eaten by a sea monster. He offers to help her look for the treasure, which is somehow connected with an ancient myth. It’s a win/win for Huey, because he figures he’ll be able to catch up with his parents’ murderer while they’re at sea.
Their destination: Desolation Pass. ~cue sinister music here~ There are some mafia-type bad guys who really want to get their hands on this treasure that Dr. Foxxy is looking for. Mayhem ensues. There are 3 kids out on a boat at night, drinking and listening to loud heavy metal music, so you know they’re doomed. As it turns out, the monster is the guardian of treasure being sought by Dr. Foxxy and her hottie crew.
Here’s the problem. The monster is not really a monster. It’s a giant squid. Which is totally scary, I know, a giant squid is nothing to sneeze at. But the movie title says KRAKEN. These people have so very obviously not seen Clash of the Titans. So, about a million points taken off for false advertising. When you tell me there’s going to be a Kraken, don’t show up with a giant squid. That’s just bullshit.
As usual, laughable CGI, stereotypical bad guys dressed all in black and smoking cee-gars, and the whole ending scene where you realize that THIS ISN’T OVER, NOT BY A LONGSHOT. Super special bonus points for Huey, who is, I believe, the worst lead-hero-actor-dude of any movie I’ve reviewed so far. That point is clearly arguable, but he was just awful. I guess his brother got all the acting genes, and 90% of the good-looking leading man genes, too.
Anyway, here are two pictures. One is a giant squid. One is a Kraken. It does not take a foxxy rocket scientist lady to see that they are not the same thing. 
Filed under: Creature Features |
6 Responses to “Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep”
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They could have just edited that Kraken in there, couldn’t they? He kind of looks like a sea monkey. He could have been the giant squid’s starter pet.
That is TOTALLY a sea monkey!!!
Not to be rude, but you do realize that the real Kraken of old maritime legend is, in fact, a giant squid or octopus-like creature, right?
Sorta like the one in this picture at this address:
http://www.eaudrey.com/myth/images/kraken2.jpg
which was drawn and has been published in books about monsters of the deep long before the conception of the creature-from-the-black-lagoon-esque thing that you argue for.
I wasn’t sure if you were being serious or not, since the reviews seem to take a sort of joking tone. But I figured that, just in case you were being serious, you might want to be accurate if you’re going to make such a strong assertion.
Oh, for Pete’s sake.
The kraken pic shown here is from the movie “Clash of the Titans” …. good movie, if old school. From legend I do too remember the ‘real kraken’, if you will, was a giant squid.
ummmm….. is that real?