Ka-KURU!

03May08

You know, we have Alfred Hitchcock to blame for our fear of cornfields, farming communities and open spaces. I’m pretty sure that’s the main reason that Ames, Iowa is not a bustling metropolis now, instead of say, Charlotte, NC.  I mention this only because, KAW! was a piss-poor re-interpretation of The Birds, only without the kicky outfits sported by Tippi Hedren. It does have, however, Rod Taylor, which I thought was a nice little tip of the hat. Good work.

But let’s not forget that we here at One-Minute Movie Reviews LOVE piss-poor re-interpretations. It’s our very raison d’etre. 

And this one..is.a.doozy.

Let’s just put something out there right up front. If you live in a small town in rural America, just don’t even think about leaving. The minute you decide to leave, something calamitous will happen. See below.

Our hero, a smalltown sheriff (played by Sean Patrick Flanery, who i also saw recently in “Insatiable” which is like Blade meets Office Space) is ready to move to the big city in support of his wife, a professor of anthropology, who plays the role of designated Foxxy Scientist Chick. Only she never really gets to pull out the foxxy scientist chick stops, but does serve as a vehicle for the California Amish, or Mennonite, or whatever. The guys with the bad accents and the even worse faux facial hair.

Anyway, they’re looking to move “tomorrow” so she can pursue her career and he’ll find some law enforcement job elsewhere. I originally scoffed when that little tidbit of info came out, as their house didn’t even remotely look packed to go, other than some big brown boxes in the foyer. Then I remembered how i am when i move and realized i had no room to talk. Procrastinators of the world, unite! ~raising fist with packing tape~

FYI, for any of our readers who actually do live in small town America, the next time the town crazy person or alcoholic cum schoolbus driver starts talking about marauding animals, listen to him/her. They’re generally spot-on, as inconceivable as it sounds. Generally, i have a pretty tender spot in my heart for the crazy people, but this guy lost me when he left his dog for dead. And i’m still getting over the trauma from later on seeing what does actually happen to said dog. Leave the dogs out of it, fer chrissakes!

That was a spoiler, but i’m not removing it. People have a right to know that the dog fucking dies in this movie and i am NOT happy about it. So don’t get all attached to Lassie, my friends. It will just cause you heartache.

We do have the sacrificial black person dying in this movie. let me rephrase that, badass black coach bites it because of bad black birds who batter her trying to save a busload of bratty bitches.

But back to Betty who bakes blackberry pie and brews coffee for the backwater bumpkins and goes to bat for the batshit crazy boozer. Bye bye Betty!

Be prepared to not only suspend your disbelief at some of the goings-on here (the lonely cafe suddenly is in the middle of a town square, then later faces a cornfield, the blackbirds don’t enter the upstairs windows of the building, but concentrate their efforts on the main floor, the accents, and more), but to marvel at the ferocity of blackbirds (actually ravens) who seem to follow the beck and call of their badass blackbird boss. 

What really sent me over the edge to loving this movie the most, however, is the little unexpected surprise. Much like Volcano: Nature Unleashed that brought us the bonus of an exorcism, this one features–holy shit–MAD COW DISEASE!

Evidently, bloodthirsty bad blackbirds have been bingeing on BSE bovine in the backcountry land of the Mennonites. The backers of the old ways have blind-sided the townspeople and have burned the BSE bovine to cover their tracks. The ravens have been eating the cows and lo and behold, prion disease has addled their bird brains making them bent on breakfasting on the blood of bovine and bipedals. Fortunately, like all prion diseases, this eventually causes their reign of terror to come to a somewhat natural conclusion. But in the spirit of Grizzly Rage, this isn’t over. Not by a long shot.

Overall, i big puffy glitter hearted this movie.

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