The Bone Eater

17Apr09

Y’all think I am making up the title of this movie, but I’m not! This is a real movie! And you won’t even believe the star-studded cast. The guy who played Buck Rogers, the guy who played Greatest American Hero, Bruce Boxlightner, Roark Critchlow (of Komodo v. Cobra fame), and one of the guys from the original Star Trek series, I forget his name, the Russian one.

Anyway. So our cast of characters mainly consists of a big time developer who rides in a limo, a construction crew and foreman, our hero the sheriff, his saucy teenaged daughter, and some Native Americans. The land being developed by Limo Dude is not on the reservation, but the crew keeps finding “relics” out there while they’re working. Apparently, they have disturbed an ancient monster made of bones who dissolves people by either breathing green breath on them or by touching them. Oh, or by throwing bones at them. The land where the development is going on is UNHOLY LAND, according to our Native American wise old dude. The only way to get rid of the monster is to throw the Sacred Bone Ax (FOR REAL) at it, and then it will get swallowed back up by the earth.

Did I mention that the monster thing can make itself a skeleton horse out of dust, and it can jump on the dust-bone-horse to chase cars off cliffs? ‘Cause it totally can.

Here’s the letdown: there is no actual eating of bones in this movie, so there’s a bit of false advertising in the title. Completely forgiven, however, given that the title of the movie is The Bone Eater, which made everyone howl with laughter throughout the viewing.

Best movie line goes to Dr. Greatest American Hero, while examining a guy whose hand is missing after being touched by the aforementioned Bone Eater: “I don’t know, Sheriff, this one’s really got me stumped.” He wasn’t even kidding. Which is why it was the best line in the movie. Please see this the very first chance that you get.

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