This will be very brief.

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp was the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life. And I don’t mean it was a bad movie in the fantastic way of all of the other bad movies TJ and I write reviews for. They spent way too much time on stupid crap like backstory and character development, and there was hardly even any croc involved at all. The over-the-top, cartoonish violence common to these types of movies (which does not bother me at all) was replaced by graphic, realistic and disturbing violence, which I have no desire to see.

My conclusion is this: I have changed my mind about government censorship in this very narrow interpretation. There ought to be a law, and every copy of this movie should be rounded up and burned, and no one should ever be permitted to view it again, ever, not ever ever ever, as long as we all shall live, Amen.

I’m not even going to bother getting a movie trailer picture.

Komodo v. Cobra embodies all that is wonderful about the SciFi Channel on any given Saturday night. The only thing missing was Lance Henriksen. Stars Jerri Manthey of “Survivor” bitch fame.

Really awful acting. An entire cast of actors that you know you’ve seen before somewhere but you’re just not sure where. Terrible CGI. Scantily clad foxxy scientist/doctor lady, well-meaning researcher led astray by the promise of big funding, a deserted island, the military, a doomed black dude, a rogue hero (it’s Michael Pare! He was in Reign of the Gargoyles, too, I think), a dumb girl, a “this isn’t over” scene at the end and, best of all, a SECRET RESEARCH FACILITY. Not to be outdone by all the other mutant movies, there’s a lovely touching scene where one of the researchers uses his dying moments to tell the survivors that they shouldn’t have messed with nature.

And, of course, gigantic mutant komodo dragons and king cobras. The fight scene at the end is spectacular. If they had been able to finish their fight without being interrupted by bombs, the cobra would have totally kicked the komodo’s ass. A+. Highly recommended.

Oh yeah, you read it right. Not a couple of thousand years, not even a couple of million. ONE HUNDRED MILLION years B.C. Every time I say it I want to do the Dr. Evil pinky move.

All right, here’s the sitch. Apparently, during Dubya-Dubya-Two, there was some experimentation into stealth technology that led to the accidental discovery of time travel. A crew of 21 (including two chicas) was sent into the time portal, millions of years into the past. I don’t really know why, just to see if it would work, I guess. But they got stuck on the other side and could not be retreived.

Flash forward 60 years. Steven Keaton from Family TIes has gotten very, very old since he made his discovery as a teenage genius. But he hasn’t given up on getting back his guys, including his brother, who are back hanging out in the Cretaceus or Jurassic or whatever. Enter the team of hot-looking Navy SEALS. You’ve got your wisecraking guy, a couple of black dudes (at least one of whom will surely wander off on his own and get eaten), your mad yell-y type dude, etc. It’s a fairly large team. They listen to Keaton’s explanation, and jump into the time portal to see if they can save the leave-behinds from last time. But this time, Keaton’s going with them. Even though he’s old and feeble and will slow them down considerably.

I mentioned the size of the SEAL team (complete with Army fatigue outfits, by the way), but once they got back to 100 MILLION YEARS AGO, I figured out why they had to send so many. They start getting picked off rather quickly. Marauding prehistoric alligators, head-eating velociraptors, going through the time portal and landing in the middle of a tree…you know, all the usual hazards of a journey like this.

Our few SEALs that are left run into the 4 members of the original team who have survived, none of whom have aged at all since they got to 100 MILLION YEARS ago. They get back through the portal, but accidentally let a T-Rex follow them through. To Los Angeles in the present. Which was pretty cool.

The dinosaurs in this movie are among the most lame, ridiculous looking dinosaurs I’ve seen in any of these films. The shot of the team going into the bunker that houses the time travel device, which is a mile underground but still somehow has natural light streaming into all the windows was a pretty good one. The acting…well, Keaton didn’t do that badly, but everyone else just stunk the place up. But honestly, better acting skills couldn’t have done much to save the terrible dialogue. As I do with most of the movies I review for this site, I highly recommend it.

If you have not seen Shark Attack 1 or 2, do not despair. You will not have missed out on any subtle plot twists or character development that will interfere with your enjoyment of Shark Attack 3. And I betcha the other 2 didn’t have the Megalodon in it, which means they probably both sucked ass.

For those of you who are real live SciFi buffs, you’ll appreciate that our handsome save-the-day hero is the guy who plays Captain Jack on Torchwood. Except in this movie, he plays some kind of resort -related law enforcement officer and wears tight, highwaisted jeans. They may have even had a hint of acidwash. Our foxxy doctor scientist lady at first masquerades as a marine biologist so that it doesn’t seem like such a big deal that she’s so interested in the shark tooth that Captain Jack has found. But actually, she’s a paleontologist, and the shark isn’t just any old shark tooth. It’s the tooth of the MEGALODON!!

At first, this megalodon does not really seem all that mega. I mean, it’s a giant shark with lots of sharp teeth and it rips off people’s limbs and all. Of course, the resort bigwigs don’t want to make a big deal about there being a shark and scare off all the tourists, despite dire warnings from handsome hero AND foxxy doctor scientist lady.

But then. Just when they think they’ve got the shark situation under control, it becomes clear that we’ve been dealing with baby megalodon the whole time. We find this out when Megalodon Mamere shows up and swallows a boat whole. It’s probably the most rockin’ scene in the whole movie. I mean, except the part where our heroes are making out in the shower and it cuts to a beautiful sunset behind their silhouette. Class-say.

Not bad, as far as shark movies go.

Okay, i feel a little weird admitting this, but James Van Der Beek has turned out to be hot. I feel a bit like a dirty old woman because i was already in my late 20s and early 30s when i used to watch Dawson’s Creek and read TWoP’s reviews voraciously. I am still uncomfy with the idea that Katie Holmes has sex with Tom Cruise, but then again, it’s Tom, so i’m sure she still hasn’t.

i also feel a little strange writing this because i didn’t watch the whole movie. I was reviewing the SciFi listings today and was a bit upset that i missed Shark 3: Megalodon AND Octopus 2.  Fie!

Still, Dawson’s beard fascinated me. And his kind eyes. He really has kind eyes. I think that must be the blonde hair with brown eyes think. I always think folks with brown eyes have kind eyes. I don’t trust people with blue eyes.

There. I said it.

That confession is especially difficult having been raised in Minnesota with Lutherans. Garrison and i will work it out later.

Anyway, there’s not much to say. The premise is similar to Kraken, only without Jack Scalia desperately seeking an authentic accent. And this time the foxxy scientist is Dawson, not a chick. The law enforcement person is the chick, see Marabunta for the backstory on this idea.

There are native americans, who stand in for the sacrificial African Americans in this scenario. There are rednecks who hate them, which creates that whole racial discourse between native americans and white folks that i don’t see much down here in the South, but remember well from my days in the land of 10K lakes. ONly there’s no spear fishing.

Still, yet again, sea water creatures have adapted to fresh water and run amok. it’s sorta like the whole Japanese snakefish thing all over again, only with squid. And the whole time it goes on, i just can’t help thinking about batter and marinara sauce. So sue me.

The dialogue is weak, the filming is decent. the acting isn’t horrible. Dawson does a decent job here, overall. And it features Macs prominently (little geeky thumpy gang sign shout out to my man, Steve Jobs).

The sweaters are delicious.

I don’t recall a lot of northern minnesota freshwater fishermen sporting the thick cabled Land’s Endy sweaters you’d normally associate with Glowstermen or Irish Spring, but here they are. And they make even men with bad teeth look somewhat appealing.

Not much of a review, but hey, it’s a marauding squid. There’s really only so much you can say about that. I’d recommend it on an overcast day and it’s good filler for waiting for Beneath Loch Ness to come on, which is what i’m currently doing. That’s not to be confused with Beyond Loch Ness, which we’ve seen but not reviewed. I don’t think. Or maybe we have.

You know, we have Alfred Hitchcock to blame for our fear of cornfields, farming communities and open spaces. I’m pretty sure that’s the main reason that Ames, Iowa is not a bustling metropolis now, instead of say, Charlotte, NC.  I mention this only because, KAW! was a piss-poor re-interpretation of The Birds, only without the kicky outfits sported by Tippi Hedren. It does have, however, Rod Taylor, which I thought was a nice little tip of the hat. Good work.

But let’s not forget that we here at One-Minute Movie Reviews LOVE piss-poor re-interpretations. It’s our very raison d’etre. 

And this one..is.a.doozy.

Let’s just put something out there right up front. If you live in a small town in rural America, just don’t even think about leaving. The minute you decide to leave, something calamitous will happen. See below.

Our hero, a smalltown sheriff (played by Sean Patrick Flanery, who i also saw recently in “Insatiable” which is like Blade meets Office Space) is ready to move to the big city in support of his wife, a professor of anthropology, who plays the role of designated Foxxy Scientist Chick. Only she never really gets to pull out the foxxy scientist chick stops, but does serve as a vehicle for the California Amish, or Mennonite, or whatever. The guys with the bad accents and the even worse faux facial hair.

Anyway, they’re looking to move “tomorrow” so she can pursue her career and he’ll find some law enforcement job elsewhere. I originally scoffed when that little tidbit of info came out, as their house didn’t even remotely look packed to go, other than some big brown boxes in the foyer. Then I remembered how i am when i move and realized i had no room to talk. Procrastinators of the world, unite! ~raising fist with packing tape~

FYI, for any of our readers who actually do live in small town America, the next time the town crazy person or alcoholic cum schoolbus driver starts talking about marauding animals, listen to him/her. They’re generally spot-on, as inconceivable as it sounds. Generally, i have a pretty tender spot in my heart for the crazy people, but this guy lost me when he left his dog for dead. And i’m still getting over the trauma from later on seeing what does actually happen to said dog. Leave the dogs out of it, fer chrissakes!

That was a spoiler, but i’m not removing it. People have a right to know that the dog fucking dies in this movie and i am NOT happy about it. So don’t get all attached to Lassie, my friends. It will just cause you heartache.

We do have the sacrificial black person dying in this movie. let me rephrase that, badass black coach bites it because of bad black birds who batter her trying to save a busload of bratty bitches.

But back to Betty who bakes blackberry pie and brews coffee for the backwater bumpkins and goes to bat for the batshit crazy boozer. Bye bye Betty!

Be prepared to not only suspend your disbelief at some of the goings-on here (the lonely cafe suddenly is in the middle of a town square, then later faces a cornfield, the blackbirds don’t enter the upstairs windows of the building, but concentrate their efforts on the main floor, the accents, and more), but to marvel at the ferocity of blackbirds (actually ravens) who seem to follow the beck and call of their badass blackbird boss. 

What really sent me over the edge to loving this movie the most, however, is the little unexpected surprise. Much like Volcano: Nature Unleashed that brought us the bonus of an exorcism, this one features–holy shit–MAD COW DISEASE!

Evidently, bloodthirsty bad blackbirds have been bingeing on BSE bovine in the backcountry land of the Mennonites. The backers of the old ways have blind-sided the townspeople and have burned the BSE bovine to cover their tracks. The ravens have been eating the cows and lo and behold, prion disease has addled their bird brains making them bent on breakfasting on the blood of bovine and bipedals. Fortunately, like all prion diseases, this eventually causes their reign of terror to come to a somewhat natural conclusion. But in the spirit of Grizzly Rage, this isn’t over. Not by a long shot.

Overall, i big puffy glitter hearted this movie.

This review will probably suck, because I wrote it and then it got lost in cyberspace so I have to do it again.

Anyway, here we go again with the plane crash on an uncharted island. Our crew of WWII sassy female Air Force pilots are escorting a handsome Colonel, his crew, and their SUPER TOP SECRET CARGO to an unnamed location. On the way, they run into a storm and have to crash land. They’re not alone there - apparently some enemy Japanese soldiers got stuck in the same place. Luckily for Uncle Sam, there are only three of them left, the rest having been killed by flying monsters that, I guess, are supposed to be like pterodactyls. They kind of looked more like gargoyles or dragons to me.

Sassy female pilots have indestructible pincurls and red lipstick, and they’re all really, really terrible actresses. Handsome Colonel guy used to be on Charmed, he was one of those white-light guys, whatever his name was. Anyway, he’s kind of a dick at the beginning of the movie, and then he gets better. Personality-wise, he gets better. His acting skills do not improve over the course of the film.

CGI was kind of forgettable, but the dialogue was exceptional in its lameness. There was lots and lots of “roger that” and “over and out” stuff going on. Warbirds was lacking in the serious blood and guts department, but there is one scene near the end where a guy gets his armed chomped off by a pterodactyl/flying monster/gargoyle-thingy.

The important question is: was there a lot to make fun of in this movie? The answer is yes, which makes Warbirds a decent film, considering the genre. It’s no Raptor Island, though.

i’m beginning to think that the SciFi channel has it out for eco-tourism.

There are one of three scenarios that will happen if a group of four young people head out into the woods for a day-long hike. The first one will be that they will be chased by a serial killer. But we don’t watch those movies because i find them too upsetting.  The other will be that some sort of force of nature will fuck with them. The third is that they will encounter some sort of monster, like Sasquatch Mountain. Of course, those plucky youngsters also had to contend with some sort of poorly defined mobster scenario, which never made any sense to me which is the main reason i never finished watching it and therefore, no movie review.

Of course it has to be at least three people, otherwise it messes with your body count. For example, Kraken had to keep returning to shore and having other people go out into the water (or just fish from a pier) to build tension. As much tension as a large calamari can generate, outside of salmonella.

In this party, two bite it and we’re left with a cute teen who looks like he’s probably on some show that Veruca’s daughter watches and his plucky, dour-faced gal pal who provides the only voice of reason, which is promptly and routinely ignored.  No foxxy scientist chick. No special ops dude with a traumatic backstory to explain his obsessive determination to kill the enemy. Melville, you have no idea what you’ve done for the history of cinematography.

Instead, you get Ellenwood, which serves as a poorly conceived Brigadoon meets The Village (not to be confused with Ellenwood, GA, where the most terrifying thing you might encounter is a mom in a mullet whose shirt was attacked by an angry Bedazzler). Yanno, M. Night Shamalamadingdong may have caused a stir with the creepy Haley Joel Osmond, but The Village certainly did nothing to further his career (although it was superior to Unbreakable, which made Battleship Earth look good, if you can believe Veruca). Why it already warrants a tribute, i’m not sure.

In any case, out from the autumnal birches emerges a town stuck in the 18th century, led by none other than Bo Duke, who could really use the guidance of Uncle Jesse right about now. Bo rules a town that lives in the ether and only occasionally emerges every once in a while, just in time to feed its local friend, Shrek, with a tasty morsel from one of its townfolk. Given that the townfolk never marry or have kids, you can only imagine what the occasional sacrifices are doing to its yearly census figures.

Fortunately, our plucky teens arrive just in time to get in the way of the sacrifice of one of the town’s youths and saves him from a pissed off Ogre, who clearly needs the tender lovin’ of Cameron Diaz.

Ogre?

Yes, an ogre.

Because one automatically thinks of rural Pennsylvania when one thinks “ogre.”

I know I do.

Anyway, i’m not sure why there is an ogre, only that if you try to leave the town a most terrible thing happens.  It also effects the ogre, who is terrified of a band of rocks.  ~spooky waggly fingers~ Thismeans the plucky modern teens are home free, except that the rational girl chick is ignored (see above) and they go back for more.

Cute boy teen gets the town to fight back with their muskets and a police rifle (don’t ask). None of it works.

They do finally get the ogre, but then the most horrible thing ever happens to all the townspeople, who accept it gladly, and you are left wondering what the fuck was the point of all of this anyway.  Overall, a couple of good shots of people’s heads being bitten off, and a few limbs scattered here and there. Happily, there are also some great weird scale issues where the Ogre changes size. That always delights me. Plus there’s Bo Duke, who has aged far better than Luke.  

Poor Tom Wopat.  He used to look so great in Levis. 

Well Maureen touched on most of the highlights of this movie, but i figured i’d throw in my two cents, which is basically all this movie is worth. 

You know when a movie starts with a kid who survives a sea monster attack, the kid is going to grow up to go all Ahab on its ass. And so it begins.

First of all, in addition to the whole Huey Lewis connection, Huey also eerily reminds me of my friend Eric, who’s a stoner dude and i felt compelled to insert “dude” at the end of each of his lines. The only thing saving Huey was his affable smile. Sadly, though, foxy scientist chick was acting her heart out. At the very least, this woman deserves a chance at a bad UPN sitcom. Is UPN still even around anymore?

Still, the Kraken name is a complete misnomer, which irritated this former mythology geek to no end (shut it).  As Maureen has already spoiled for all of you, frantically flipping through your DVR trying to record this masterpiece, it’s a giant freaking squid. Which just made me think of tempura batter and a good dipping sauce. Kraken, for all of you flipping through your Bullfinch’s Mythology at home, is actually a Scandinavian sea monster, that is, indeed a squid. Kraken of Maureen’s memory is from Clash of the Titans, which replaces Cetus the Sea Serpent (not to be confused with Sigmund the Sea Monster) with a big roar-y thing with legs. Whatever.

To make matters worse, our anthropologist in a bikini continues to refer to the squid as Scylla, from the Odyssey, which was a multi-armed creature that lived in a cave that to’ up sailors. Kraken is not referred to even once. 

As usual, we cannot expect the folks at SciFi to get their mythology right. Dame Edith Hamilton is surely not picking up what SciFi is laying down.

Regardless, if you’ve been wondering what’s happened to Jack Scalia after he stopped appearing in Teen Beat Magazine back in 1983, here’s your answer. He’s starring in a low budget film desperately seeking an authentic Greek accent, and a fabled “greek opal” so that his crime family doesn’t off him at a toll booth a la poor Sonny Corleone.  However, i think that Nicole’s “theories” (which include bikinis and basic sonar) are hardly worth him facing down a squid, given that she obviously need schooling on what an opal actually looks like and let me tell you, it’s not a cobalt blue, egg-shaped tchotchke that you’d see on the mantle next to Aunt Doris’s egg cup collection.

See?

This is what an opal looks like.

I don’t think we reviewed Beyond Loch Ness, but this movie starts with the same premise: a boy is orphaned when his parents are hauled away by a crazy sea monster, and he grows up to be an adult looking for vengeance. That’s how he gets to be our valiant hero. I can’t remember the character’s name, even though the movie just ended 20 minutes ago, but he looked like Huey Lewis, so we’ll just call him Huey. (Really, he’s Charlie O’Connell, brother of the guy who played the fat kid in Stand By Me and turned out to be a fine looking specimen of manhood when he grew up)

Our foxxy doctor/scientist lady is a college professor out looking for lost treasure at sea with her 2 foxxy intern kids. They’re off the coast of Alaska, but for some reason the ladies are all wearing bikini tops. Huey hooks up with them after their skipper is eaten by a sea monster. He offers to help her look for the treasure, which is somehow connected with an ancient myth. It’s a win/win for Huey, because he figures he’ll be able to catch up with his parents’ murderer while they’re at sea.

Their destination: Desolation Pass. ~cue sinister music here~ There are some mafia-type bad guys who really want to get their hands on this treasure that Dr. Foxxy is looking for. Mayhem ensues. There are 3 kids out on a boat at night, drinking and listening to loud heavy metal music, so you know they’re doomed. As it turns out, the monster is the guardian of treasure being sought by Dr. Foxxy and her hottie crew.

Here’s the problem. The monster is not really a monster. It’s a giant squid. Which is totally scary, I know, a giant squid is nothing to sneeze at. But the movie title says KRAKEN. These people have so very obviously not seen Clash of the Titans. So, about a million points taken off for false advertising. When you tell me there’s going to be a Kraken, don’t show up with a giant squid. That’s just bullshit.

As usual, laughable CGI, stereotypical bad guys dressed all in black and smoking cee-gars, and the whole ending scene where you realize that THIS ISN’T OVER, NOT BY A LONGSHOT. Super special bonus points for Huey, who is, I believe, the worst lead-hero-actor-dude of any movie I’ve reviewed so far. That point is clearly arguable, but he was just awful. I guess his brother got all the acting genes, and 90% of the good-looking leading man genes, too.

Anyway, here are two pictures. One is a giant squid. One is a Kraken. It does not take a foxxy rocket scientist lady to see that they are not the same thing.