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Here is a special guest review from our friend IncognitoBurrito, since TJ and I are giant slackers and haven’t written a review in a thousand years. I could not find a movie poster for Rock Monster, so here is a picture of a different monster who also happens to be made of rocks, just so you can get the idea. Filed under: Creature Features | 1 Comment
Locusts: The 8th Plague
When the movie starts out with a quote from Revelations, you know there’s going to be some serious destruction.
Our hero is Dan Cortese, whose character’s name is Cole. Oh, yes, that’s right. Cole. He’s the inventor of a new organic pesticide, and also is skilled at flying helicopters and airplanes. His wife is our foxxy scientist doctor lady, a vet who works for the USDA.
We’ve got a secret research facility and some genetically engineered locusts. They were made to be carnivores, so they would eat the bugs from crops but leave the crops alone. They’re BIG, and they’re RED. I think the red makes them more sinister. They escape from the testing facility, of course, and leave a trail of destruction all over southern Idaho. Killing people, of course.
The researcher wants more time before the testing is done. The money guy wants to to go ahead, of course, on account of getting more money. Thus the escape and subsequent devastation.
Cole gives us a fantastic speech about effing around with nature. There is the requisite county fair attacked by the bugs, the military/chemical/organic folks conflict, and lots of grisly death by locust.
Even three glasses of wine could not convince me that Dan Cortese wasn’t a really, really bad actor. The dialogue was fairly cheesy, but the CGI shots of locusts taking down helicopters made up for it.
So, here’s a new review, finally. Please forgive me for being drunk while I write it.
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Mega Snake
All right. Let’s just go ahead and get this out there. If you live in a small rural town, and you’re planning some big event, call it the hell off when someone comes to you with a warning about some crazy giant ferocious animal. For real. Just cancel it.
We begin this story with a child who’s psychologically traumatized after seeing his father, the preacher, die as a result of one of those freaky snake-handling church services. Fast forward 20 years, and we see the result of this trauma - our guy’s still living at home with his mama, working as a paramedic. He’s also having some girlfriend trouble, on account of the whole “still living with his mama” thing. His brother has taken up the family business of procuring dangerous reptiles for religious use. Apparently, his religion encourages playing with snakes but has no trouble with theft, because he steals a mysterious snake from the local Native American stereotype dude.
Before you know it, the snake escapes. It devours the family cat and blue-screens its way out the door and over to the henhouse. Things obviously just get worse from there. Our hero is so distracted by his girlfriend trouble that he doesn’t notice when he gets home that the dog, the cat, all the chickens and his mother are missing. But when he sees blood all over the living room, a light bulb goes on in his fraidy-cat head and he calls in the po-lice.
EMS-hero’s girlfriend is a park ranger and, coincidentally, also a Ph.D. in zoology, which I guess qualifies her as the foxxy scientist doctor lady for Mega Snake. Help is enlisted from the Deliverance Brothers, who fashion a snake-killing apparatus from a propane tank and various pieces from their ramshackle abodes out in the woods. But nothing can stop the snake from showing up at the county fair. Dr. ParkRanger tried to warn the mayor and have them call it off, but of course no one listened to her. At the fair, there are kids getting high, and one couple making out in the woods. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what happened to them.
The trick to killing the snake is that you have to not be afraid of it, according to Mr. NativeAmericanStereotype. Which is an issue for EMS-hero, what with his snake-related childhood trauma. But of course, he overcomes in the name of love. If you like the blood & guts, you’re in for a treat. There are several high-quality decapitation scenes, as well as a wicked awesome head explosion. Bonus points for the sheer number of different fakety-fake rural/mountain/southern accents, which are all over the place in this film. If King Cobra is all rented at the Blockbuster, this one would be an acceptable substitution.
As a post script, I’d like to add that there were no tall buildings or jet fighters in this movie, so the photo shown here might be a bit misleading. But there was the giant badass killer snake, much like this one.
Filed under: Creature Features | 7 Comments
Octopus 2: River of Fear
A drunk guy jumps into a boat, calming his worried girlfriend’s concern by saying, “Issssshhh ok, baby, nothin’s gonna happpppen!” But of course, something does happen. Getting drunk in one of these movies is almost as dangerous as taking off your top. Poor unsuspecting drunk dude and his innocent bystander girlfriend are snatched out of the water by our octopus, and no one sees it but a crazy hobo.
Enter the scuba cops. Oh, yes, that’s right. You heard me. The heroes of our story are honest to God scuba cops. I didn’t know there was any such thing, but apparently, the East River needs its own police force. So, I guess it’s a good thing they’re around, on account of all the mysterious disappearances down by the docks.
Our rugged hero is really not all that good-looking, but he’s all right. It doesn’t take him long to hook up with the chick from the mayor’s office whose job it is to make sure there are no shenanigans while the city’s preparing for the big 4th of July thousands-of-boats-in-the-harbor celebration. Miss Mayor’s Office clearly did her internship at D&D Advertising, based on the length of her skirts.
So, nobody believes the hobo about the octopus. Then Mr. ScubaCop starts to believe him, but Mr. ScubaCop is a screwup, so the powers-that-be are not going to go on high alert when he warns them that a giant killer octopus is picking off tourists and fishermen.
You might be thinking, “But I haven’t seen Octopus 1, I’ll be lost watching this movie”. Never fear. Aside from the fact that both prominently feature an octopus that kills people and changes its size at will, I could see no connection whatsoever between this film and its predecessor. Not much in the way of special effects, but the octopus did have creepy glowy eyes, and it was pretty cool how this huge animal could come out of the water and no one ever saw it except the person it was murdering. Serious points are deducted, however, because there was no real explanation of how the animal ended up so far from where it would normally live, no mention of possible toxic waste spills or genetic experimentation or anything else, so I guess this poor little guy was just lost.
Best line in the movie: D&D Advertising Suit Lady: “Be careful!” ScubaCop: “I’m a professional.”
Filed under: Creature Features | 5 Comments
Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness
I love it when they start out in ancient time. A gargoyle is being chased by an old-school lynch mob, with torches and pitchforks and everything. But the gargoyle is stuck by an arrow shot by a priest. He falls in a hole, and mob covers him up with a rock. That oughta do the trick, right? We’ll never see that dude again.
But wait. 500 years later, in a country where everyone drives tiny cars, there are some strange things afoot. Our rugged hero is Michael Pare (I remember him from Eddie & The Cruisers, but he’s been in a bunch of films of this genre - most notably, Komodo v. Cobra), undercover CIA operative in a sting operation where the sharpshooters can’t hit the broad side of a freaking barn. The head bad-guy gets away (you know he’s very bad because he’s smoking), only to be hauled off by, you guessed it, the recently unearthed gargoyle. The recent earthquakes are probably what gave him his chance to make a break for it.
Pare’s got a sexy CIA partner, but he hits it off a little more with our foxxy doctor lady: in this case, a Ph.D. in anthropology. They start nosing around and find some rockin’ goth kids. I was just waiting for one of them to say something about how Bucharest is sooo much more sinister than Orlando. Info from the goth kids leads them to the local priests, and even the bishop.
Oh, but then people start getting picked off left and right by our friend the gargoyle, who looks straight outta Clash of the Titans. He’s disemboweling with a quickness, everyone from kidnappers to gangbangers to bishops. As soon as you know the good guys from the bad guys, you’ve got to think again.
Good news - the big mean gargoyle can be slain with an arrow anointed by the blood of Christ. Luckily, that’s easier to get in this town than you might think. Bad news - the whole time he’s been stuck underground, he’s been making little gargoyle pods, and the day of reckoning is upon us. Seriously, it was a line in the movie, “The day of reckoning is upon us.”
Upon us, indeed. Our hero saves the day, foxxy doctor lady loves him, and all is right with the world. Except, of course for that last split-second frame showing the gargoyle rising again!!!! ~cue sinister music here~
If there aren’t any dinosaur or killer insect movies on, check this one out. Also, if you’re into the mystical Catholic-y stuff, there’s lots of that in Gargoyle.
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Ice
Yeah, that’s the only title it needs. No subtitle or colon or parenthetical add-on. Just Ice.
Poor Jake. First his girlfriends all break up with him, then his bike shop burns down…oh wait. Wrong show. We all remember Grant Show from Melrose Place. In this film, he’s back in LA, playing our good-looking tough guy hero, who’s a cop and former Navy SEAL. If you went by these movies, you’d think every cute 30-something guy on the planet had been a SEAL at some point in his life. Unfortunately for him, and everyone else, there’s some kind of crazy activity on the sun. “Impossible” readings printing out from computers at the science-y building. The sun is burning out like one of those flickery fluorescent lights in the hallway of your office building.
The weather turns unbearably cold overnight. The government evacuates key personnel. The lights go out and folks are dying by the truckload. The snow takes down the Hollywood sign. Looters and criminals abound, until they all freeze to death. Our ragtag band of survivors is trying to get to a ship that’s taking people to Guam. We’ve got our hero, a scientist, some ex-spouses, a cute kid, and of course the token black dude, who in this case is totally militant. Anti-cop, anti-government, anti-whitey. I have no explanation for the freaky side story of the couple they find in a bank, holding a frozen to death baby that the lady just gave birth to and burning money to try to keep warm. Tres morbid.
The characters in this movie turn from good guy to bad guy and vice versa at the drop of a hat. Some of the worst bluescreen work I’ve ever seen, paired with really abysmal dialogue, are the standouts in Ice. The fake snow was good, too - it looked kind of like confetti. This one was kind of “eh”. Better than Avalanche, but not as good as Meltdown.
I couldn’t find a movie poster pic online, so here’s a headshot of Jake from Melrose Place.
Filed under: Disaster Flicks | 5 Comments
Sorry about the image. it’s all i could find.
The bridge to nowhere. ANWAR drilling. Polar bears drowning. Untenable presidential candidates. Grizzly bears. These are the things that normally come to mind when you think of the issues facing Alaska residents. But, no, you would be wrong. REALLY what the biggest threat is….swarming South American soldier ants.
The sequence of events is sketchy. A freighter ten years ago washed up on the shores of a shallow river that, evidently, just a few hundred yards downstream is filled with white water rapids. The freighter held some acacia wood from Brazil that harbored a queen soldier ant. IN the meantime, the ants built colonies in the permafrost. But in the last…. year…a dormant volcano has awoken and heated the ground allowing these ten year dormant ants to colonize like mad.
For a minute, it seemed like this movie had the potential to be a double category movie, with a volcano/earthquake/creature feature combo. Ultimately, the volcano ended up just being a vehicle for the development of the ant colonies. Also, the volcano set in motion a series of earthquakes that occasionally send the characters jumping back and forth while desks bob up and down, a set guy waves a bush rapidly back and forth and yet the microwave and coffee cups on the counter sit intact. Shatner would have been impressed.
The ants have magical powers, they will pick you and a moose clean, shrink your head and sweetly cover your body with a blanket when they’re done with you. They also will change in size between regular size and the size of palmetto bugs.
Still, i give the movie props for trying to deviate from the cliches. For example, there is no token black guy, no military coverup and no australian big game hunter with a bad accent. ALso, when the LA scientist tells everyone to evacuate, they actualy listen, dragging their chickens by the feet down the streets.
The foxxy scientist chick is just a science teacher with bad hair and 80s wardrobe castoffs. As our hero says, “She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and she’s a lethal weapon.” She is also rocking a camel toe in the mom jeans. Excellent.
Our hero is an entymologist, which comes in handy when Brazillian soldier ants attack a small Alaskan town. (It’s a good thing he wasn’t Albert Fert or Peter Gruenberg or Alaska would be fucked.) He’s there for a fishing trip with his buddy.He’s resisted this trip for three years now, and we can see why when his buddy dies in a helicopter crash that is the slowest moving action sequence i’ve ever seen other than the one that soon follows. (Although the climbing rock sequence of Grizzly Rage comes close.) Like Frankenfish, a little death of a loved one cannot stop the pulsing testosterone in our hero and by the end of the movie, John’s death is not even an afterthought.
Poor John.
Still, the movie answers the question, What ever happened to Caroline in the City’s boyfriend, Del? well, he decided to move his career forward by starring in this gem. We also get to see Mitch Peleggi of The X Files fame.
We do get the bonus of the Native American guys. With just a hint of the childhood family dynamics of the Murdoch family, it is clear that Trevor was an accident, and Ma and Pa Murdoch clearly favored their son Grey Wolf. Grey Wolf lives, little bro Trevor dies but still leaves behind his glorious Native American locks. Oh, Trevor, we knew ye once.
FYI, if you see a giant well, 10 foot ant hill, don’t climb it. Especially if you see an abandoned motorcycle and an expensive camera next to it. Double especially if you have just been a bully to the nice Sheriff’s kid. Yes, a kid dies, folks. That’s not something you see every day unless you’ve seen Dinocroc recently.
Where the laughs come: mostly the bad dialogue but the action sequence by the river is hysterical.
Overall, i give it a C, but if you’ve got nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon and you have seen Raptor Island or Frankenfish too many times, pull up a chair pull on some tapered 80s mom jeans, and watch Marabunta.
Filed under: Creature Features | 6 Comments
Swarmed
What do you get when you combine an experimental pesticide, a researcher with rugged good looks, and a whole shitload of yellowjackets? Well, mayhem, really, is what you get.
Swarmed’s foxxy scientist lady is Carol Alt, remember her from the 80’s Cover Girl ads? Well, now she’s a professor, and she’s working closely (very closely. honestly, without any regard for personal space whatsoever) with our researcher to track down this swarm of killer wasps that are only made stronger when you spray them with bug spray. They talk about lots of science-y things, and look through a microscope at stuff that even I, with my one required semester of freshman biology lab, can recognize as plant cells. Our scientists, along with the friendly neighborhood exterminator and his dorky teenage sidekick, are determined to track down and eradicate this menacing swarm.
Why does this have to happen now of all times?? This weekend, the weekend of the big hamburger grilling contest? The one that generates lots of publicity and revenue for the town, and WILL NOT BE CALLED OFF on account of exaggerated claims by wacko researchers!!
You’ll love how the bees seem to get larger as the movie goes on, so that some of them actually resemble small birds. Also, the scary bee-vision shots were fantastic. And it’s not every day that you see a lady try to murder a yellowjacket with a double-barrel shotgun.
On a personal note, I expect some serious effing appreciation from you people for this review. I am completely terrified of bees, and I’ll have you know that I sat through this entire movie, cringing on the couch and generally just being skeeved out for the past hour and a half, all so I could bring you jokers some entertainment. So, you know, appreciate me. For real.
Filed under: Creature Features | 9 Comments
Avalanche: Nature Unleashed
Oh, it’s a disaster all right.
Wow. The ridiculous dialogue was highlighted by the fact that several actors seemed to be speaking English as a second language. As my esteemed writing partner pointed out about the bear movie, it was clear that most of the avalanche action was stock footage spliced in to the film. Anything close-up, I can say with almost absolute certainty, was styrofoam or crunched up mailing popcorn thingies.
To highlight the bad dialogue, the acting was horrific. This was made painfully obvious by the fact that many of the characters had serious emotional baggage. Dead wives, dead mothers, traumatized avalanche survivor, brothers with serious issues.
I won’t get too far into a description into the storyline, because honestly, the storyline was pretty stupid. I’ll tell you this much, though. One of the bad guys turns into a good guy rather quickly, which was a nice touch. Also, watch for the dude named Jock (yes, seriously, his name is Jock), the chick with only two toes on one of her feet, and a very unique situation - the use of an impending natural disaster as an excuse to get laid!!!
Filed under: Disaster Flicks | 2 Comments
Post Impact
You can’t make me any happier without genetically engineered monsters.
Space. Natural disaster. Post-apocalyptic world. The Eiffel Tower half leaning over like it’s trying to be Pisa, and covered in snow. And it’s set IN THE FUTURE!! (OK, 2010, but technically, that’s the future)
So. Everyone’s all excited about this comet that’s going to go past the Earth close enough that it can be seen. Except that unexpectedly (or expectedly, if you ever watch this type of movie), it goes tragically off-course, slamming into the planet and killing millions of people, changing the climate and making basically everything north of the equator uninhabitable.
Our badass hero is Dean Cain (big name!!). He’s a tough military guy who is forced to leave his wife and daughter behind when the evacuation occurs. 3 years “post impact”, the new government is stationed in Morocco, which looks like Siberia. When it’s discovered that there’s a weapon/satellite operating in an area that everyone thought was deserted, a crew is sent to investigate. On the crew, we have the following standard characters: the foxxy scientist lady with bonus cheesy European accent, the foxxy kickass military chick, the mean old nemesis of our hero, a few dispensable miscellaneous military dudes, and our hero’s dog. I don’t know if all dishonorably discharged, scruffy looking ex-military guys get to bring their dog along when they’re sent on a dangerous mission or what. No one seemed to object when the dog jumped onto the plane with them, so maybe in the future, that’s just how it’s done.
Their target: a benevolent scientist (foxxy scientist lady’s dad). Benevolent peace-loving scientist guy only made this satellite as a vehicle for peace and renewable energy, but military funding meant it had to have a weapon-y purpose as well. Also, as it turns out, maybe it can reverse the whole climate change brought on by the comet crash!!! (This is where the science of movie becomes merely science-ish)
Check this one out for suspense, danger, action, and more close calls than you can shake a stick at. Also, betrayal! Justice! Revenge! The CGI is far superior to other disaster flicks, such as Magma! and Deep Freeze. 
Filed under: Disaster Flicks | 4 Comments
