We had a newbie with us on Tuesday night but were able to reassure her that not having seen Carnosaur I would not interfere with her appreciation for this one.
So this is a wacky departure, but apparently we have a secret government installation (Yucca Mountain) where something goes terribly awry, somehow allowing nuclear waste to unearth and hatch Velociraptor eggs. Our first encounter with said raptors happens with some security guards who happen upon tangled wires, which looked strikingly like when i take my Christmas lights out of the closet each Christmas. Anyway, we see a lot of them. It makes me wonder exactly why they really don’t seem to have an issue with electricity around there. I wonder if they used the same electrician who wired my house.
Later, we meet the plucky teen who is bored silly and amuses himself by sneaking around a nuclear waste facility. Poor kid ends up getting caught and in a bit of clever foreshadowing with a Bobcat (don’t ever touch this lever, kid!), he ends up in a run down version of the Star Wars cantina, which sports a tempermental French chef in full chef attire whose specialty this evening is “toast.” After everyone except the kid is bitchslapped by a raptor, a secret security team is sent in (of course most of them are former special ops) with a mad coverup government dude to find out what happened. We should really find a way to make a drinking game out of guessing when the government dude reveals himself as a bad guy.
They find the kid and while the token black dude goes to figure out how to stop the nuclear meltdown and the foxy helicopter chick takes “care” of the catatonic kid, the rest of the team goes down below. Our hero is the drunk special ops guy who lost his kid and immediately projects his emotional baggage onto the new catatonic kid. This results in the kid waking up to help get them out of there so he can run from a life wondering why his new daddy drinks all the time. Hero’s wacky sidekick is the stud of the group, as evidenced by his jerry curl, mom jeans, southwest print sleeveless vest, and apparent love of the Flight of the Valkyrie, which he blasts on his circa 1987 boombox, which compliments his attire nicely. What we thought was our possible love interest, the Matrix style chick with silver duct tape suspenders, ultimately gives us our satisfying entrails ripping out scene.
I think you know what happens to the token black guy. I don’t know why i build these emotional bonds with them, but i’m always heartbroken to see them end up as a raptor chew toy.
Escape from Raptor Mountain then ensues, with a rescue squad dressed in orange hazmat suits and the previously foreshadowed Bobcat and the momma raptor. Only it’s not really their mother, because of course, it’s a T. Rex. Overall, pretty entertaining, especially if your best girlfriends and a couple of bottles of wine are floating around. And it’s nice to see that the Land of the Lost set got to be re-used. I wish one of these movies would bring back Sleestacks, however.
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