All these years, people have been wondering, what ever happened to all that stuff from Land of the Lost? The sets, the special effects geniuses, the lame dialogue and supremely terrible acting…where has it been all these years? Well, here’s your answer. It was sitting around waiting for Christopher Atkins and Colm Meaney.

Christopher Atkins is some kind of exotic tour guide, a famous one, I guess, because he leads a bunch of bad guys into a caved-in mine after they slip him an envelope full of cashola. Of course, he didn’t know at the time that they were bad guys, even though most of them had goatees and were bald and smoked cigarettes and had bad foreign accents. Dead giveaway. Duh.

Anyway, they’re looking for a bunch of priceless emeralds, but instead they get GIANT PREHISTORIC KILLER BEETLES!!! This movie has it all. Washed up actors, really bad special effects, totally fake looking man-sized bugs, lots of entrails, and even a pretty rockin’ decapitation. Oh, and of course, the crazy big mama bug that shows up at the end. This fine piece of cinema is highly recommended.

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BLACK SWARM

24Aug08

I wasn’t sure what kind of swarm this was just from watching the trailers. I assumed it was bees, or maybe flies, possibly locusts. I found out that termites can swarm, too. But I also know that the term “swarm” is used loosely in these movies. The old west guys in Copperhead kept saying there was a swarm of snakes, and I don’t think that’s really the correct term.

Anyway, it was bees. No wait. Wasps. Apparently, there is a distinction. And not just any old wasps. The genetically engineered kind that can’t be killed by Raid and have a homicidal tendency. But wait! There’s more! They don’t just kill people. They kind of infect them, or possess them, or something. They turn people into zomBEES. Or zom-wasps. Whatever.

There’s a cute kid in the movie, a priest, a guy with a dead twin brother, a wise old blind lady, some government agents, and Freddie Kruger. The foxxy doctor scientist lady turned out to be a double-crossing secret agent who may or may not have been an actual entymologist.

This one was just “eh”. Except that we all got to laugh at ourselves and all of the terribly clever jokes we made while we were watching.


This will be very brief.

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp was the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life. And I don’t mean it was a bad movie in the fantastic way of all of the other bad movies TJ and I write reviews for. They spent way too much time on stupid crap like backstory and character development, and there was hardly even any croc involved at all. The over-the-top, cartoonish violence common to these types of movies (which does not bother me at all) was replaced by graphic, realistic and disturbing violence, which I have no desire to see.

My conclusion is this: I have changed my mind about government censorship in this very narrow interpretation. There ought to be a law, and every copy of this movie should be rounded up and burned, and no one should ever be permitted to view it again, ever, not ever ever ever, as long as we all shall live, Amen.

I’m not even going to bother getting a movie trailer picture.


Komodo v. Cobra

08Jul08

Komodo v. Cobra embodies all that is wonderful about the SciFi Channel on any given Saturday night. The only thing missing was Lance Henriksen. Stars Jerri Manthey of “Survivor” bitch fame.

Really awful acting. An entire cast of actors that you know you’ve seen before somewhere but you’re just not sure where. Terrible CGI. Scantily clad foxxy scientist/doctor lady, well-meaning researcher led astray by the promise of big funding, a deserted island, the military, a doomed black dude, a rogue hero (it’s Michael Pare! He was in Reign of the Gargoyles, too, I think), a dumb girl, a “this isn’t over” scene at the end and, best of all, a SECRET RESEARCH FACILITY. Not to be outdone by all the other mutant movies, there’s a lovely touching scene where one of the researchers uses his dying moments to tell the survivors that they shouldn’t have messed with nature.

And, of course, gigantic mutant komodo dragons and king cobras. The fight scene at the end is spectacular. If they had been able to finish their fight without being interrupted by bombs, the cobra would have totally kicked the komodo’s ass. A+. Highly recommended.


Oh yeah, you read it right. Not a couple of thousand years, not even a couple of million. ONE HUNDRED MILLION years B.C. Every time I say it I want to do the Dr. Evil pinky move.

All right, here’s the sitch. Apparently, during Dubya-Dubya-Two, there was some experimentation into stealth technology that led to the accidental discovery of time travel. A crew of 21 (including two chicas) was sent into the time portal, millions of years into the past. I don’t really know why, just to see if it would work, I guess. But they got stuck on the other side and could not be retreived.

Flash forward 60 years. Steven Keaton from Family TIes has gotten very, very old since he made his discovery as a teenage genius. But he hasn’t given up on getting back his guys, including his brother, who are back hanging out in the Cretaceus or Jurassic or whatever. Enter the team of hot-looking Navy SEALS. You’ve got your wisecraking guy, a couple of black dudes (at least one of whom will surely wander off on his own and get eaten), your mad yell-y type dude, etc. It’s a fairly large team. They listen to Keaton’s explanation, and jump into the time portal to see if they can save the leave-behinds from last time. But this time, Keaton’s going with them. Even though he’s old and feeble and will slow them down considerably.

I mentioned the size of the SEAL team (complete with Army fatigue outfits, by the way), but once they got back to 100 MILLION YEARS AGO, I figured out why they had to send so many. They start getting picked off rather quickly. Marauding prehistoric alligators, head-eating velociraptors, going through the time portal and landing in the middle of a tree…you know, all the usual hazards of a journey like this.

Our few SEALs that are left run into the 4 members of the original team who have survived, none of whom have aged at all since they got to 100 MILLION YEARS ago. They get back through the portal, but accidentally let a T-Rex follow them through. To Los Angeles in the present. Which was pretty cool.

The dinosaurs in this movie are among the most lame, ridiculous looking dinosaurs I’ve seen in any of these films. The shot of the team going into the bunker that houses the time travel device, which is a mile underground but still somehow has natural light streaming into all the windows was a pretty good one. The acting…well, Keaton didn’t do that badly, but everyone else just stunk the place up. But honestly, better acting skills couldn’t have done much to save the terrible dialogue. As I do with most of the movies I review for this site, I highly recommend it.


If you have not seen Shark Attack 1 or 2, do not despair. You will not have missed out on any subtle plot twists or character development that will interfere with your enjoyment of Shark Attack 3. And I betcha the other 2 didn’t have the Megalodon in it, which means they probably both sucked ass.

For those of you who are real live SciFi buffs, you’ll appreciate that our handsome save-the-day hero is the guy who plays Captain Jack on Torchwood. Except in this movie, he plays some kind of resort -related law enforcement officer and wears tight, highwaisted jeans. They may have even had a hint of acidwash. Our foxxy doctor scientist lady at first masquerades as a marine biologist so that it doesn’t seem like such a big deal that she’s so interested in the shark tooth that Captain Jack has found. But actually, she’s a paleontologist, and the shark isn’t just any old shark tooth. It’s the tooth of the MEGALODON!!

At first, this megalodon does not really seem all that mega. I mean, it’s a giant shark with lots of sharp teeth and it rips off people’s limbs and all. Of course, the resort bigwigs don’t want to make a big deal about there being a shark and scare off all the tourists, despite dire warnings from handsome hero AND foxxy doctor scientist lady.

But then. Just when they think they’ve got the shark situation under control, it becomes clear that we’ve been dealing with baby megalodon the whole time. We find this out when Megalodon Mamere shows up and swallows a boat whole. It’s probably the most rockin’ scene in the whole movie. I mean, except the part where our heroes are making out in the shower and it cuts to a beautiful sunset behind their silhouette. Class-say.

Not bad, as far as shark movies go.


Okay, i feel a little weird admitting this, but James Van Der Beek has turned out to be hot. I feel a bit like a dirty old woman because i was already in my late 20s and early 30s when i used to watch Dawson’s Creek and read TWoP’s reviews voraciously. I am still uncomfy with the idea that Katie Holmes has sex with Tom Cruise, but then again, it’s Tom, so i’m sure she still hasn’t.

i also feel a little strange writing this because i didn’t watch the whole movie. I was reviewing the SciFi listings today and was a bit upset that i missed Shark 3: Megalodon AND Octopus 2.  Fie!

Still, Dawson’s beard fascinated me. And his kind eyes. He really has kind eyes. I think that must be the blonde hair with brown eyes think. I always think folks with brown eyes have kind eyes. I don’t trust people with blue eyes.

There. I said it.

That confession is especially difficult having been raised in Minnesota with Lutherans. Garrison and i will work it out later.

Anyway, there’s not much to say. The premise is similar to Kraken, only without Jack Scalia desperately seeking an authentic accent. And this time the foxxy scientist is Dawson, not a chick. The law enforcement person is the chick, see Marabunta for the backstory on this idea.

There are native americans, who stand in for the sacrificial African Americans in this scenario. There are rednecks who hate them, which creates that whole racial discourse between native americans and white folks that i don’t see much down here in the South, but remember well from my days in the land of 10K lakes. ONly there’s no spear fishing.

Still, yet again, sea water creatures have adapted to fresh water and run amok. it’s sorta like the whole Japanese snakefish thing all over again, only with squid. And the whole time it goes on, i just can’t help thinking about batter and marinara sauce. So sue me.

The dialogue is weak, the filming is decent. the acting isn’t horrible. Dawson does a decent job here, overall. And it features Macs prominently (little geeky thumpy gang sign shout out to my man, Steve Jobs).

The sweaters are delicious.

I don’t recall a lot of northern minnesota freshwater fishermen sporting the thick cabled Land’s Endy sweaters you’d normally associate with Glowstermen or Irish Spring, but here they are. And they make even men with bad teeth look somewhat appealing.

Not much of a review, but hey, it’s a marauding squid. There’s really only so much you can say about that. I’d recommend it on an overcast day and it’s good filler for waiting for Beneath Loch Ness to come on, which is what i’m currently doing. That’s not to be confused with Beyond Loch Ness, which we’ve seen but not reviewed. I don’t think. Or maybe we have.